"America, nationâÃ¶ lock your doors and board up your windows because America is in a state of panic. I hope you're wearing a clean diaper, because the United States government, in cooperation with cable news, has once again taken us to code brown," Colbert said, referencing the color-coded, but now antiquated, Department of Homeland Security terror threat alert system.
"Look to your left. Look to your right. Both of those people could be terrorists. And what about that guy in the middle who keeps looking around so much? What's he planning?" Colbert jested.
The host cracked joke after joke at the government's expense Monday night, seemingly unperturbed by the unusual alert — which designated no specific time, date or target for a terrorist attack, yet still spurred the closing of 20 U.S. diplomatic facilities — and highlighted the almighty NSA spygrid's helplessness in the face of an unnamed and likely contrived threat.
"This warning is exactly why we invested hundreds of billions of dollars in our intelligence gathering, surrendered our privacy and let the NSA turn the Constitution into a choose your own adventure," Colbert stated before grabbing a globe and warning Americans to steer clear of any and all destinationsâÃ¶ period.
Video here or at Infowars.