My Weekend with White Vinegar, and Fathers be good to your daughter

By | December 14, 2008

If you ever have to clean up after a person who pukes and pees on a carpet, be warned:  Steam cleaners will NOT  do the job.239811540741_0_11

The smell will remain month after month no matter how many times you steam clean.

Here is what you have to do (besides vowing, at the first available opportunity, to personally kick the holy living guts out of any guy who abuses his daughter–see bulimia in adults is linked to childhood abuse.)

1) Buy some tools and supplies. You’ll need at the very least,

  • a hammer
  • a floor chisel (The DascoPro Model 473-0 works great)
  • a bucket
  • a floor fan
  • paper towels
  • a large floor brush (not a sponge)
  • 1 gallon of white vinegar
  • 2 quarts of 3% hydrogen peroxide
  • 3 boxes of baking soda
  • 8 ounces of Listerine mouthwash
  • a carpet knife
  • a few thousand dollars for new carpet and a new mattress

2) Pull up the carpet. At this point, you will see exactly in how many places  and how many times the deed was done because the stains under the carpet are clearly visible, each with it’s own ring, color and pattern.

At this point I should have warned you to buy a fan and get some really good ventilation going with a strong floor fan and an open window, and obviously, wear protective clothing.

As you pull up and check the rest of the carpet in the room, you may discover even more stains. It all has to go.



3. After you cut the carpet up into small enough rolls and haul them out to the dumpster, you will need to pull up the carpet pad. This where most of the smell is retained. Use the floor chisel and scrubber if the padding is stuck to the wood in places.

After the carpet and pad are removed from the room, sitting in the dumpster, headed for the landfill, your life will start looking much brighter.

Next, the wood.  If  excretions  have stained the wood through the carpet padding, hope is not lost.

I’ve researched the cheapest healthiest safest way to do this, and here is what I recommend…

Do this:

4.  Use the floor chisel to pry off the base boards and peripheral carpet tack track. You want full access to the floor, every crack and crevice.

5. Mix 50% white vinegar and 50% warm water. For a room that is 11×24 feet, 1 gallon of white vinegar mixed with 1 gallon of warm water will do the job.

6.  Starting in one corner, using a brush, apply the vinegar solution to the floor, just enough to make it look damp. Don’t soak it completely. You want it to dry in a few hours. Scrub as needed and blot with paper towels.


Step 6 will remove the smell once and for all!

7. Let the vinegar dry for a few hours.

8. Pour 2 quarts of 3% hydrogen peroxide with some two tablespoonfuls of dish washing detergent and 8 ounces of Listerine(tm) mouthwash.   Cover the floor with this mixture, again, just enough to make it damp, scrubbing any stains that remain.  This step disinfects the holy living heck out of any germs that can survive the vinegar. This stuff also smells great.

9.  Sprinkle baking soda lightly all over the floor before the above mixture has a chance to dry. I got by with 3 pounds of Arm & Hammer Baking Soda.

239745346949_0_1239745463045_0_110) Let it dry overnight, then vacuum.

11) Restore all the wood you pried up.

12) Spend $1625 on new carpet and pad for the room, or install it yourself to save money.

12) Rent a truck or borrow a friend’s if they carpet people won’t deliver.

14) Require a $2000 deposit from all future roommates. Which means you won’t have any roommates, which means you can’t afford the house. So let it go back to the bank, unless they work out a refinance deal that gives you fair market value. Good luck with that if your lender is Countrywide.  But damn, that room smells great now! Cleaner than a hospital room.

15) Throw away the mattress and get a new one.

16) Find time to buy Christmas presents for family! Ho ho ho.

… And dream about that Taylor 714ce guitar you’ve been wanting that you might have had this Christmas. Since I had to buy new carpet, I wonder if I could do that trade thing and trade up to a Taylor 714ce. It worked to get one guy a house from one red paperclip, after all.

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