I am filled with rage

By | September 27, 2009

I am filled with rageI need some anger management.

As I clear out of my home, I find myself surprisingly angry.  Oh, I’m calm and  pleasant enough when talking to people, but rage is my true mental state this weekend.

There is something about selling all my stuff for pennies on the dollar on Craigslist, so I can fit into a small apartment after my failed home owning experiment, that is really pissing me off.

What do you do when you are incredibly angry?

I’m angry at the bank for talking me into a loan I could not afford, at the housing market for taking the biggest dive in history right after I bought my first home, and I’m angry at myself for biting off more loan than I could handle based on an overly optimistic view of the future.

Anger compounds.

Moving is hard. I fell down my stairs carrying a cabinet and damaged my knee.

Later I tore a muscle in my back and broke the desk that my ex got me in the process.

Damage to physical things sucks. Pain sucks.

Damage to my reputation hurts even more: I am incredibly ticked off at myself for screwing up something important that was totally unrelated to housing or relationships that I tried my best to get right … which I had screwed up two times previously … over the course of six months. My best effort was inadequate, and as a perfectionist, this REALLY gets my goat.

Then there is the leaking bleach container that just burned a nice  spot into my old dining room carpet. I hope the new owners like purple. Just an accident, I didn’t know it was leaking! Damn. They already bought it, why should I care? Why should I spend so much time cleaning it? Because it is the right thing to do.

On top of all of this, the short sale, I’m told, could still fall through 4 days before the close of escrow because the 2nd loan was sold to another holder who is not aware that they hold the loan, thus, they can’t acknowledge that they accept the short pay off.  Last little trick by the bank?

Ego. It must all be the fault of ego. Humility must be the answer.

Perhaps I would feel more humble if I took an old laptop out into the hills and shot it all to hell with an assortment of firearms while screaming, “DIE, DAMN YOU!! DIE!!!

Hmm.  This thought seems to help:

“No one can change the past. What did you learn? What will you do differently?”

That’s it. Make the changes and drop it. Let it be.

More help for the angry over at the Angry People of America  (APA) dot org.

6 thoughts on “I am filled with rage

  1. Xeno Post author

    I like that idea. Unfortunately, I just sold my two slightly broken Acer laptops together as a bundle for $35. Have to clear stuff out, no room in the new place for non-essentials.

    1. Cole

      Ugh, can someone please tell me why everyone thinks Windows is terrible? I have never had unsolvable or serious problems with Windows. And what is the alternative? Apple? Compatible with 2% of all software. So what’s the deal?

      1. Intrachresodist

        Nobody can completely describe the ways Windows is terrible in only a few sentences. So I’ll just leave you with a quote from Charlie Brooker who wrote this in The Guardian today:

        I know Windows is awful. Everyone knows Windows is awful. Windows is like the faint smell of piss in a subway: it’s there, and there’s nothing you can do about it. OK, OK: I know other operating systems are available. But their advocates seem even creepier, snootier and more insistent than Mac owners. The harder they try to convince me, the more I’m repelled. To them, I’m a sheep. And they’re right. I’m a helpless, stupid, lazy sheep. I’m also a masochist. And that’s why I continue to use Windows – horrible Windows – even though I hate every second of it. It’s grim, it’s slow, everything’s badly designed and nothing really works properly: using Windows is like living in a communist bloc nation circa 1981. And I wouldn’t change it for the world, because I’m an abject bloody idiot and I hate myself, and this is what I deserve: to be sentenced to Windows for life.

    2. Xeno Post author

      Honestly, I do like Windows. I prefer Windows XP Pro, stripped down and customized. I’ve heard some good things about Windows 7 and will probably upgrade, but haven’t had the chance to test/tweak it yet.

      When I find myself in times of anger, Dirty Harry comes to me, speaking words “Feel lucky?”, … Let it be.
      And when my laptop crashes and it takes my hours of work from me, I blame the Windows logo, that I see.

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