All Purpose Comb

By | February 11, 2009

I had a song idea today. I think it will make a nice comedy bit with the right delivery. I got the idea when I opened a new comb and read the package. It said “All Purpose Comb”. That’s hilarious. It’s  not just for combing your hair, it’s for ALL purposes…

All Purpose Comb
c2009 by Xeno

If the bank is foreclosing and you’ve lost your wife
Or your job, or your hope, or your home
Don’t get too discouraged, just take my advice
Buy an All Purpose Comb
Take your last dollar fifty and go get the nifty black teeth
For the hairs on your dome
It’s for everyday use, you don’t need an excuse
To buy an All Purpose Comb
You can hold up a bank with it, stir what you drank with it
Use it to dial the phone
You can call up the Pope with it, fend off a grope with it
If he invites you to Rome
And the more you explore the more purposes you’re
Going to find it’s the best thing you own
Whatever goes wrong you will have it along
It’s your All Purpose Comb.
Lets say you’re in Vegas, you’ve lost all your wages
It’s you and a slot all alone
Just take out your friend, do a four degree bend
And slide it up under the chrome
Wiggle the button and you’ll have a sudden
Success and your name will be known
As the winner who won, it was secretly done
With an All Purpose Comb.

If a science experiment makes a black hole
and the whole Earth dissolves with a groan,
get your hairs into place, as you’re sucked into space
with your All Purpose Comb,
and the aliens watching will be so curious why
you would use your last seconds to preen
that they’ll find a fresh planet similar to Earth
And transport you there in a beam
And they’ll make you immortal so they can observe
As you sit, meditate and say “Om”
On the pyramid peak, in the city you built,
with the huge hanging gardens and the statue on stilts,
with the Temple of Art,
with a vast mausoleum
with the lighthouse of light colored stone
with the sitting white Zeus holding up his hair mousse
(a gold can of non-aerosol foam)
his impeccable hair, his inscrutable stare
and his All Purpose Comb.

I like you a lot, so I’ll share what I’ve sought
I have got what you need to take home
There’s a score in my stash and I’ll trade you some cash
For an All Purpose Comb.

I got a bit carried away and had to fit the seven wonders of the ancient world in there. Needs work, but the basic idea is there.


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